Here I am. At the end of the year 2016. Nothing to show for it but disdain and the fact that no one accepts me for who I am, literally. I have struggled this year so much with being me, the me that God created me to be. The only me that I know how to be. Apparently, that’s just not enough. What is enough? I don’t care how much I have given or even taken or tolerated from others, my enough just isn’t enough. Why? Why is it that every relationship that I enter into including my own family, it never materializes? Are my expectations of others too damn high? No, I don’t think so. Throughout life, I have dealt with SO many instances that have left me disappointed and void. Void of love. Void of peace. Void of feeling included even at work. God, why does it have to be this way? I get the set aside piece. I get it. I swear I get it. God I’m just being selfish right now. I want to belong. I want to feel love. I want my children to love me like I love them. Why isn’t my love enough? Why isn’t my discipline looked upon as love? Why is it that I’m always stepped on like I’m nobody? I am somebody. I am who you called me to be granted I know that I have much more to learn and more ways than one to grow. You see my puzzle has always been difficult to put together. Why you ask? There are SO many missing pieces. So many. I started out with an incomplete puzzle. If this is the case, why do so many feel like I should have it together? Why do so many believe that I shouldn’t question my existence? Why do so many feel the need to remind me of my “stuff” every chance they get? Well…I have accepted that I “am” the puzzle piece that doesn’t fit any mold. I don’t fit in my blended family. I don’t fit in my marriage. I don’t fit in my family. I don’t fit many friendships. I just don’t fit. I guess this is my thorn and burden to carry for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wonder if it is to be so. I was told by Rev. A.H. that I was placed on this earth to be an “interrupter.” That’s fine and good, but I want a fulfilling life too. I want happiness. I want to be accepted for “me.” I guess I have just come to terms today, December 28, 2016, that I won’t EVER be in any of those categories that I mention to include married after a while simply because I don’t “fit in” as I was told by my husband today. He said in an assertive tone, “La Tonja, you need to decide where you fit it!” Well, I’ve decided. I don’t fit anywhere. Many changes to come in 2017. And you know what, I do welcome them whatever they are at this point. I’m just tired of pursuing what others want for me whether that is motherhood, sisterhood, being a spouse, or a student. God all I ask is that you give me the strength to make it through this part of my life. Help me endure all that is to come because of this decision. God help my unbelief in the process as I navigate this puzzle of a life given to me. I won’t force it any longer…
Looking forward to being the outsider! I.DON’T.FIT.THE.PUZZLE! I know that now.
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