Well it is the end of the year and I feel as if things really hadn’t changed. Try, try, and try again I keep hearing in my head. Isn’t that what my great grandmother used to tell me? Isn’t that what my great aunt, Henrine, used to tell me? Isn’t that what I believe myself? I don’t know anymore. It seems that no matter how hard I try, nothing changes. “They” say you must change yourself and things will change around you. Doesn’t seem that way sometimes and it sucks. Totally sucks. If I fall on the sword, it doesn’t matter. If I confess all my “sins” it doesn’t matter. If I cook, it doesn’t matter. If I clean, it doesn’t matter. If I make a bath, it doesn’t matter. If I allow everything possible to happen the way you want it, it STILL really doesn’t matter. So I continue to ask myself, why try? WHY TRY? Over and over and over again, I continue to pose this question. Why? Try? As I sit here and I continue to avoid phone calls from my internship supervisor simply because I don’t feel like being bothered, I wonder if any of it matters. Nine months away from ordination, does it matter? One year away from graduation, does it matter? A month away from the start of the spring semester of seminary, does it matter? One day away from a fifth sunday worship service with the young adults, does it matter? Does anything I do matter? Sometimes it feels like nothing I do matters. Even when I am GREAT, does it really matter? Trying to be the best of everything is hard. The best mom, the best wife, the best preacher, the best friend, the best daughter, the best HR Director and even my best SELF… try… try…. try again. Fail and try again. Fail and try again again. Fail again and try try again. Who thought of the words try try again? It is a set up. I feel like sometimes you have to just walk away from it all and start over. So maybe what I need to hear at this point in life is START TF OVER TOTALLY. START OVER JUST START OVER. Run away where no one knows you as you are right now. New ground, new people, new house, new job, newness totally. But it doesn’t work like that. Ties won’t allow it. So I’m back at square one. The first place I started at this morning, where I vowed to be better today. The second I stepped out of bed, I was determined to try my hardest to be all that everyone else thought I should be. I realize now, right now in this moment that I can ONLY be as good as the day treats me. No name calling. No sad stories. No negativity. No arguing. No mind tricks. So I WILL try try and try again just for my own sake to accomplish what I set out to do today. That is to be happy and healthy. Thank God for the ability to change my OWN mind to keep on this hard journey called LDW’s life. Nothing is ever the same and never ever will be. I have come to terms with that. So I pray that I can continue to try, continue to pray, continue to be MY best self no matter what is thrown at me in a day’s time. Blessed is an understatement in my mind. Beyond blessed maybe a bit better. So I don’t take that for granted.
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