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No Matter…

No matter… wow such powerful words.  These two words can shape your life and its trajectory.  No matter can be positive or negative depending on what is going on at the time.  For example, no matter how I try or no matter what I say can be viewed as negative.  Those two phrases could also be positive depending on the framing.  Isn’t that what we are all talking about, framing.  How can your words be framed better? Right now… I feel hurt, betrayed, unfriended, and divorced emotionally.  Why you ask?  Because my closest friend, well I can’t say friend now, my former closest friend basically just laughed in my face and said you always are playing a game, you always have some motive, you always assume… As if that wasn’t enough… YOU are ridiculous.  YOU are confusing.  You ARE confusion.  All these words CUT. When I say cut, I mean CUT deep.  As I sit at 1:30 am typing this blog, I am listening to a song that I was just introduced to just yesterday.  Will Reagan – Not in a Hurry.  The lyrics go:

Lord I, don’t want to rush on ahead, in MY OWN strength, when you are RIGHT here.

Lord I want to love like, I want to feel what you feel, I want to see what you see.

I’m not in a hurry, when it comes to your spirit, when it comes to your presence, when it comes to your voice. 

I’m learning to listen, just to rest in your nearness, I’m starting to notice, You are speaking. 

Man… whew!  This song… speaks volumes.  Truth is I’m not in a hurry.  Truth is, I want to do better.  Truth is, I’m trying to take my time and learn more about you.  Truth is, I’m a rubik’s cube trying to get my sides together on this journey.  But you are so jaded with the past that our future means nothing.  It doesn’t seem to exist. We are STUCK in the present – the present mistakes, the present unforgiveness, the present assumptions, and the present argument that we are against one another.  You would think that all this time, I would be in a better place but I am not.  I am in the process of really learning about myself.  I am slowly learning though that as I learn about myself, it is more and more confusing for you.  I am confusion as you say.  So if there is NO ROOM for me, how can WE grow? If there is NO ROOM for mistakes, how can WE do better together?  If there is NO ROOM for forgiveness and we keep pointing the finger, How can we LIVE in LOVE?  If there is NO ROOM for assumptions that are totally based in our experiences, then how can we become ONE experience together?  I don’t think we can especially if I am the ONLY ONE claiming my faults.  Claiming who I am and not just pushing it to the other party involved.  NO I AM NOT PERFECT.  I hope you don’t think you are… The thought of perfect is dangerous, very dangerous.  That equates to comparison.  It equates to expectations that are unrealistic.  And NO MATTER how much I try, I can’t and I won’t EVER succeed.  NO MATTER WHAT!!!

SOooooo, NO MATTER what is thrown at me in the words of Tasha Cobbs Leonard….

No fire can burn me.  No valley can turn me.  No mountain can stop me. Cause YOU hold my hand….

I am walking in your victory, cause your power is within me. No giant can defeat me because YOU hold my hand….. 

I don’t know what the future holds right now, but whatever it is, NO MATTER what it is, I have to believe that knowing myself is more valuable than anyone’s labels for me.  And yes I want to be your closest friend NO MATTER WHAT, but I am certain now that YOU don’t want to be my friend NO MATTER WHAT!

brain color colorful cube

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán on

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