I don’t write that much but when I do it is usually for a relief from fleeting thoughts or just anger in general whichever comes first. I had an epiphany just now at 12 am in the morning. I don’t believe that I will EVER be enough for some. When I say some, I mean those who are closest to me. It is always the same… you are not wife enough, you are not mother enough, you are not daughter enough, you are not patient enough, you are not distinguished enough, you are not smart enough, you don’t work well enough, you are not spiritual enough, you are NOT… ENOUGH. Enough what? I feel like Jennifer Lopez on the movie “Enough” in most cases. I want to FIGHT most times when I hear some of this stuff. Why can’t you just accept me for who I am? Why do I have to live UP to your expectations? I do not care how much I accept your flaws, your mistakes, your need to be right, and your need to “one-up” me every chance you get. Are you on a misson to prove me wrong? It feels that way. I have even come to a resolve in my soul that I WON’T EVER BE ENOUGH.
So why do we do this dance that we do? Why do you claim to love me so? Why do you tell others of my accomplishments? Why do you pretend so well? Why just why? The dictionary definition of enough is sufficient, plenty, or as much as needed or necessary. Man this definition is amazing. Sufficient. Plenty. As much as needed. Just wow! God, have I been sufficient? God, am I plenty? Am I as much as needed? Where is the gap? What can’t I see Lord? Many of us have blindspots and plenty of them.
But even when you recognize the blindspots and try to fix them, it seems to make it worse. So much so that people don’t even want to be in the same space as me. So much so that people are jealous for stupid reasons. So much so that no matter what I do, it is just average to them. Will I EVER meet your standards? Will I EVER have MY feelings validated? Will I EVER be what YOU want? I truly don’t think so. You clearly want perfection. You want perfection with cushion actually, you know…just in case.
Just in case you are feeling like you need to prove something that day. Just in case you want to be the BIG DOG that day. Just in case you want to be the one that is always right and NEVER wrong. Just in case you want to show me off. Just in case you want to be seen in a “good” light. Since you do no wrong and you have everyone fooled. So much turmoil inside of you when you are going through certain things. So much mismanagment of feelings and emotions. So much intolerance for anyone else’s opinion. So much of a hidden agenda. So much passive aggressiveness.
I always thought that I was the missing piece in your life. The apple of your eye. The “enough” that you needed. WELL, that isn’t true as evidenced by your actions. I can’t be enough. Your treatment of me is fowl. Your treatment of my mind is fowl. Your treatment of my emotions is fowl. Your disdain for my presence is fowl. Your decision to walk away from me so easily is insane. But I see why… I just wasn’t enough. I was never enough. See you fooled yourself into believing that I was enough when deep down inside you knew better. You fell in love with my POTENTIAL. The potential that you would CHANGE me into your ENOUGH not my enough. The potential that you really can’t even see because of your own jaded ways and mindset. If it is broke, fix it. FIX IT! FIX ME! FIX EVERYTHING! Isn’t that what you do? FIX things.
I acknowledge that I cannot be FIXED by anyone. AND I also realize that I will most likely live the REST of THIS life alone. Alone to be MY ENOUGH. Alone to think and dream and be free of EXPECTATIONS. I don’t know who said FREEDOM ISN’T FREE, but that is the truth! It isn’t free. Because the more that I try to fit into your puzzle of life, and the more I try to be ENOUGH for you, it changes who I am. My “I AM” is not adequate for you. My “I AM” is not needed. My “I AM” has flaws. My “I AM” IS NOT a round puzzle piece that fits into a square space. My “I AM” doesn’t fit into YOUR perfect little world. IT. JUST. DOES. NOT! So again, why are we doing this dance? I really have come to the conclusion that I am not much of a dancer these days even though dancing used to bring me joy. It doesn’t any longer.